I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
