eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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