I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
