I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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