I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
drinking out of a sandbucket again
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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