I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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