I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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