I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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