getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
