I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
