guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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