she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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