The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize