Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I still have a little drunk in my system
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
