You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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