Michael Bay diarrhea
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
