I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
