ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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