I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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