It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
