Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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