I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
