My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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