She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Pooping to opera.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
