After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
