u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
