So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
