I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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