I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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