Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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