The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
