Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
