They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
