Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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