I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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