I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
