my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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