Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
i need some magic done to my vagina
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
