Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
