I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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