He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
