weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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