Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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