i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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