he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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