Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
