Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
