Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize