Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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