you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
being pregnant is like rehab
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
