grandma shit on top of the toilet
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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