ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
