she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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