you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
