Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
