I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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