Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
