She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
