you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
