It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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