somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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